With the start of the World Cup just nine days away, I've been trying to work up some animosity towards the first round opponents of the U.S., which isn't easy. I mean, how can you feel any ill will towards the Czech Republic or Ghana? What have they ever done to piss anyone off? I guess I could be greedy and berate the Czechs for not providing the world with even more Petra Nemcovas and Eva Herzigovas, but I'm just not working myself into a lather here, to be honest.
So thank God for the Italians. The dumb, dirty, cheating pretty boy Italians. I'm fairly certain that unless you're actually Italian, you're not a fan of the team and, more than likely, derive some joy out of its failures. Like in the final of EURO 2000 when they were seconds away from the title only to see France score an equalizer in the dying moments and then win in extra time. Yeah, that was funny. Or in the 2002 World Cup when they were ousted after the ref did everything in his power to help South Korea, which was playing on home soil. That was even funnier. Or when Roberto Baggio his missed his penalty kick against Brazil in 1994. Or when the Swedes and Danes conspired against them. It's always hysterical.
Point is, it's easy to dislike Italy. Why is this the case? Well, let's count the ways.
1) They're boring.
The first thing you think of when discussing Italian soccer is usually their penchant for playing arguably the most defensive, you-ain't-scoring-on-us soccer on the planet. Give them a 1-0 lead and you can rest assured that all eleven players are going to be behind the ball for the rest of the match come hell or high water. Give them a 2-0 lead and if their striker crosses midfield into the opposing half of the pitch, somewhere a pig will take flight.
The sad part is that, when so inclined, the Italians actually can play attractive, free-flowing soccer. They can be creative. They can be a joy to watch. When so inclined. Unfortunately, such occasions occur about as often as Ricky Williams passing a piss test. It's in their nature, in their blood, to hang back and, basically, play a game of chicken to see which team cracks first and allows that one dreaded goal, and if Italy scores that goal, the game will ultimately end 1-0, most likely. Sure, this philosophy has served the Italians well for a long time, but few teams are more sleep-inducing.
2) They cheat.
As even non-soccer fans have probably heard, the entire Italian soccer league is under the huge, dark cloud of a match-fixing scandal at the moment. The details are too boring and, of course, too nauseating to delve into, but, ultimately, the fallout should result in Italian soccer being rocked to the core.
Or maybe not.
You see, this is actually nothing new to the greasy, sneaky Italians. In fact, one of their greatest ever World Cup heroes, Paolo Rossi, was also an infamous cheat. Hell, the Italians thrive on being underhanded and corrupt. It's what they do. They wouldn't be Italian if they weren't fucking someone over.
The last time Italy had the shroud of a scandal overhead heading into a World Cup was in 1982. Star forward Rossi was in the center of - you guessed it - a match-fixing scandal and was coming off what was supposed to be a three-year ban from the game, which was mysteriously lifted only weeks before the World Cup by an Italian team that apparently thought he was punished enough. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.
Paolo Ross, the typical Italian: a cheater and a hero. All at once.
Rossi ought to have been entering the final 12 months of a three-year ban during the finals. Implicated in a betting scandal then considered the worst in Italian soccer, it involved charges against 33 players, three club presidents and two gamblers. Accused of fixing a game for a syndicate after being overheard to say to an opponent "2-2, if you want..." before scoring twice for Perugia in a 2-2 draw with Avellino in 1980, Rossi protested his innocence throughout and was not found guilty by the Italian courts. Allegations his lawyers had offered hush money to a prosecution witness were never substantiated.
But Italy scoring only 11 goals in eight qualifying games meant Rossi's misdemeanours were suddenly seen in a more forgiving light as the finals approached. Conveniently, his suspension was lifted five weeks before the country's first game in Spain, leaving the former pin-up of the Italian game relieved but also concerned he would be the face of the wanted posters in the event of the country failing.
What happened? Rossi ended up leading the 1982 World Cup with six goals and Italy won the final. Of course.
Many American fans are now holding out hope that the current scandal will have a negative effect on the Italians' World Cup campaign, but I'm not so sure. Come on, they're Italians! If anyone can shake off their shady misdeeds and not even worry about the embarrassment of having been caught - or even wear it as a badge of honor - it's a bunch of pretty boy Italians who are to being corrupt what the Irish are to being drunks. I doubt the current scandal affects Italy much. In fact, they're probably thinking of new refs to bribe next season as we speak.
3) They're pretty boys.
By and large, the Italian team is usually comprised of a collection of dudes who look like they're straight out of a Gap ad. Seriously. The likes of Francesco Totti and Gianluigi Buffon are so pretty I'm almost attracted to them. As a teenager, I was forced to question my burgeoning sexuality every time I watched the legendary but now retired Paolo Maldini play. (Oh, come on, the dude was attractive.) Shit, I'm sure most any Italian soccer player - all by himself - pulls more tail than an entire roster of Minnesota Vikings on a cruise ship.
4) They bitch. Incessantly.
Italian players tend to flop around looking for calls, fight with opponents, whine, bitch, moan, and bicker with refs more than Naomi Cambell functioning on no sleep. In other words, they're prima donnas and aren't afraid to whine constantly to prove it. They're obviously comfortable with being insufferable bitches. Which is admirable, I suppose, in a way.
If anyone sums up the typical Italian player, it's Totti, whose most famous moment on the field came at EURO 2004 when he spit directly in the face of a Denmark player and it was caught on film and instantly zoomed to all corners of the globe. Like I said, whiny bitches. All of them.
Totti spits in the face of Denmark's Christian Poulsen. An Italian being an asshole. Gee, shocking.
5) Italian fans are horrible.
Have you watched many games from the Italian league? If not, don't worry. Neither do many Italians, apparently. It's amazing that despite being one of the most powerful leagues in the world, attendance is often awful. Turn on any game from Italy, even a game featuring mega clubs such as Juventus or AC Milan, and you'll most likely see plenty of empty seats. This is in stark contrast to the leagues in England or Spain or France or anywhere else in the world, really, where seats are harder to come by than a Barry Bonds fan. Hell, watch old tapes of the 1990 World Cup, which was played in Italy, and even then empty seats were abundant at many games. That's just pathetic. Pathetic! Italian supporters are the Atlanta Braves fans of the world. No heart. No soul.
Even worse, racism is rampant among Italian fans, who have been known to greet black players with bananas and monkey howls. Despicable fucks.
6) Paolo di Canio.
This asshole, who celebrates goals with a fascist salute, makes John Rocker look warm and fuzzy.
7) They're dirty.
Watch any Italian game and you're certain to see several heinous, filthy fouls, many of which will clearly be meant to injure an opponent. Once you've seen an Italian player fly in from behind and take an unsuspecting opponent's legs out with malicious intent, you've seen it a thousand times. And when said opponent is on the ground in obvious pain, the Italian player will look at the ref and give his best "Who? Me?" impression. It's an old act by the Italians and so, so predictable.
The Italian motto: If you can't beat an opponent (or fix the match via the ref), take his legs out.
8) They have horrible names.
Gianluigi? Francesco? Luigi? Fillipo?
Dorks.
So there. I hope that helps. I hope that when the U.S. and Italy meet on June 17 in Kaiserslautern, you can look at your television and say with meaning, "Fuck Italy."
You won't be the only one.
