Jonny "Never Say Die" Gomes

It's been well over a month since I watched the stupid Reds play stupid baseball, but I'm at least somewhat aware that Jonny Gomes has morphed into the best goddamn slugger in this history of professional baseball in America.

And anyway, after learning that "Never Say Die" Gomes jacked another homer last night, I decided to pay a visit to www.baseball-reference.com (an Internet website) to see just how super fantastic Gomes has been in '09.

Long story short, he's headed to the Hall of Fame.

But that isn't what brings me here today. What brings me here is Jonny's middle name.

Johnson.

No shit. Johnson.

Jonny Johnson Gomes.

It's only a matter of time before George Grande starts calling him "J.J."

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/29/09

Chris Henry and Chad Ochocinco

When one considers that my writing career began as a Bengals blogger, it might seem a tad strange that I haven't devoured every second of Bengals preseason games-----I've watched maybe half of the twelve quarters played thus far. But I've seen enough to know that Bernard Scott is one bad mother, as expected. And I've seen enough to know that Chris Henry, as he was in '05 and '06, is positively uncoverable (that can't be a word).

Speaking of Chris Henry, he's the reason I'm writing these words.

In his relentlessly entertaining blog, Mo Egger had this to say about Employee No. 15 following his third straight impressive preseason performance:

-Chris Henry. The numbers this preseason: 13 catches, 217 yards, three scores. He's 26. He's in his prime. He's five years younger than Chad, six younger than Coles. Is he the number one wideout on this team? That's not a shot at Chad, you can do a lot worse than a guy with 8900 yards being the two, but at this point in his career, Chris is more likely to be the one than anyone else.

Uh.....no.

Mo, I love you, baby, but Chad Ochocinco is unquestionably the No. 1 wide receiver on this football team.

If Chris Henry's strong preseason proves anything, it's that the Lavernues Coles signing was a waste of American cash, as expected.

Anyway, Henry might become the Bengals' No. 1 WR this year, but it will have nothing to do with the age of Mr. Ocho.

(Before continuing, allow me to make a semi-bold prediction: Ochocinco will enjoy his finest season in 2009. People are really forgetting what a special wideout he was from 02-07. He's the only wide receiver in NFL history to lead his league in receiving yards more than two consecutive years...and he did it in four straight -- from 03-06! And in '07, his yardage total was a career high. And now he's healthy. And now he's more motivated than ever before. And he appears to be in the best shape of his career. And Palmer's back. Again, Chad Ochocinco will enjoy his best season this year. Anyone doubting me? Or him?)

For wide receivers, especially lately, age doesn't mean a whole lot. And take a guy like Ochocinco-----he doesn't take a lot of hits, and he doesn't risk injury by blocking folks. With today's heightened emphasis on training, being 31-years-old is no big deal.

And plus, a ton of other WRs have recorded monster seasons at or beyond the age of 31. Examples:

Marvin Harrison had 95 catches at the age of 34.

Torry Holt - 93 at age 31.

Jerry Rice - 122 receptions, 1,848 yards at age 33; 92 receptions at age 40.

Cris Carter - 96 at age 35.

Randy Moss/Terrell Owens - At ages 32 and 35 respectively, both remain a force.

Tim Brown - 91 grabs at age 35.

Rod Smith - 113 at age 31; 85 at age 35

Jimmy Smith - 112 catches at age 32.

Tony Martin (Tony Martin!) - 85 at age 31

Joe Horn - 94 receptions at age 32.


Chris Henry might catch 12-15 touchdowns in '09, but he won't be the team's best receiver.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/28/09

Three Quick Buckeye Football Thoughts

I've been thinking a whole bunch about Ohio State football lately. And by "lately," I mean every day since I was seven. Anyway, as briefly as possible, here are a few Ohio State thoughts before I tackle a massive Buckeyes preview before the season fires up:

1. Terrelle Pryor doesn't throw like a girl anymore! He went from a side-armed-to-three-quarters shot-put release to something resembling an over-the-top motion. Now, this alone doesn't make him an accurate passer, but it will put more zip on the ball. And it greatly improves his chances of becoming a legitimate NFL quarterback at the next level. More than anything, it points to how hard he worked in the offseason. I'm not completely sold on Pryor as the savior (yet), and I have plenty of reservations -- of both Pryor and the team as a whole -- heading into '09, but I love everything I'm reading about the guy (on a scale of 1-10, Pryor's charisma is about a 308). And call me a gay guy, but I think he has a nice smile...

2. Shouldn't the Buckeyes be lining up in a 3-4 defense more frequently? Think about it: They have massive defensive ends (a must in the 3-4) in Cameron Heyward (a prototypical 3-4 end in the NFL), Lawrence Wilson, Doug Worthington (shifting over from DT) and Rob Rose; a ton of great athletes at linebacker (this could get guys like Dorian Bell ands Etienne Sabino on the field more often); and DE-OLB hybrids in Thaddeus Gibson and Nathan Williams (and maybe even Solomon Thomas and Keith Wells) who are absolutely perfect for the position. It seems to me that with a ton of interchangeable parts on the defensive front, not to mention a logjam of freakishly athletic linebackers, a 3-4 defense makes more than a little sense.

The only problem, obviously, is the lack of a space eater at the nose tackle position. To that, I say this: (1.) Let Dexter Larimore and Todd Denlinger and Garret Goebel do a serviceable job, and besides (2.) nobody has a space eater. Nobody. The Albert Haynesworths and Haloti Ngatas of the world don't exactly grow on trees.

3. Quick, name a relevant senior. You can't. Okay, that's not fair, Kurt Coleman is a pretty good player. But I won't cry when he leaves. Even if Coleman's replacement next season isn't as good, he is replaceable (if that makes sense). And anyway, I'm bringing this up because, as I was thinking on next year's roster, I realized that my Buckeyes will be positively stacked in 2010. As in, so stacked that I'd be shocked if they didn't garner 75 percent of the No. 1 votes for the preseason AP Top 25.

Here's why (aside from "they return everybody"): The defense in Columbus is always good. So, you know that won't change. The offense? Hit and miss. But in 2010 -- and probably 2011 -- the offense will be better at every single position. The QB position will be better because Pryor will continue to improve. The RBs will return everybody, and add a few new faces. The WRs and TEs are all young, so their improvement is imminent. And the O-Line has been so shaky of late that I can't imagine them getting worse (plus, just like nearly every other position, they return all of their relevant names).

In short, baseball is stupid.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/27/09

Dixie Chicks = Blog Topic

There are gay guys, and there are honest guys. And then there are guys who are honest about being gay.

That's me! The last guy. I'm honest about being gay.

Here's what I mean: The Dixie Chicks' 1999 hit single, "Cowboy Take Me Away," while grammatically incorrect, is a great fucking song (and not just a good one). I think I always knew this, but it took me a decade or so to tell someone. Which is what I'm doing now.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know. No secrets here, you know? And with little else to add, I leave you with the lucky assignment of absorbing the soothing sounds of one of the 310 best songs of my lifetime (and one of the 8 best featuring a woman as lead vocalist)...

(Here's an example of how the writing process is more than a little weird, at least for me: I spent the last hour listening to "Cowboy Take Me Away" on repeat, and I did so at maximum volume. And when I needed to make a toilet, I cued it up and started that bastard over; that's how much I wanted to continue listening to Natalie Maines at her absolute peak. Anyway, while I was on said toilet -- and while "Cowboy" was blaring for maybe the fourteenth straight time -- I thought I heard something at the front door. I was certain it was my roommate, Mike, returning from work. I panicked. Panicked. I sprinted out of the bathroom, down the hall and into the kitchen, where my computer was resting. I muted the sumbitch before Mike unlocked the door. I exhaled. That was close. My roommate didn't hear me listening to the Dixie Chicks! Thank God, because it would be embarrassing if somebody found out I was rocking out to the Dixie Chicks.)

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/25/09

Pepsi Cool Cans Were, You Know...Cool

In 1990 my hillbilly neighbors, the Isforts, used to save Pepsi Cool Cans. Apparently those dumb shits thought they were going to be worth something some day. Anyway, enjoy yourself some Young MC:

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)

Gay Guys Don't Like Me

1. I'm overwhelmingly polite to homosexual men...and yet they are mostly unfriendly to me. But why?

2. Craig is concerned with his wife's carbohydrate intake (In other words: Is a soul mate still a soul mate if he or she gains weight?).

Thems is the types of things discussed on our latest podcast, "Why Do Gay Dudes Hate Me?"

Listen.

Enjoy.

Tell your friends.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/23/09

Disrespected And Whatnot

Podcast. New. Words. Sentences.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/19/09

The Nonsense Surrounding Terrelle Pryor's Forty Time...

I didn't start a website simply as an excuse to read other blogs and tear them apart-----although I probably should; that's far easier than what I have going on. It's also cheap. Anyway, I prefer to watch things unfold and give my $0.02 when the time is right (i.e., when I'm not too sleepy). But this time, some ignoramus named Mark Hinton has given me no choice but to operate in the same fashion as all the blogs I'll never read.

Mark Hinton writes for Yahoo! Sports, which gives him credibility. Somehow.

Mark Hinton, credibility and all, recently wrote a highly irresponsible piece (and an equally irresponsible follow-up) about the speed of Ohio State QB Terrelle Pryor.

Despite evidence to the contrary, and without (I'm guessing) a close connection to the program, Hinton claims that it's impossible for a 6'5, 235-lb. mammal to run forty yards in 4.33 seconds.

According to Jackass Mark Hinton, a credible sportswriter holding a job I would punch my Aunt Dorothy for, here's a list of the reasons Terrelle Pryor supposedly can't run 40 yards in 4.33 seconds (followed by my response):

1. Jackass Mark Hinton says: Only one player ran a faster time at last year's NFL combine.

My winning response: And? What point does that prove? All it means to me is that Pryor would've been the second fastest player at last year's NFL combine. It's not like Pryor ran a 2.6, while the best time at last year's combine was 18.3, you know? We're talking about hundredths of seconds here, pal.

2. Jackass Mark Hinton says: At 6'5, Pryor's simply too tall to run a 4.33 40-yard dash.

My winning response: Usain Bolt is the fastest man on Earth, and he's 6'5. Calvin Johnson (6'5, 239) is the exact same size as Pryor, and he posted a 4.35 at last year's combine. Where was the outrage then?

3. Jackass Mark Hinton says: Pryor's too heavy.

Brad Spieser says...Dwight Freeney, at 266 lbs., and Vernon Davis, at 253 lbs., each ran 4.38 40s at the combine. Not quite 4.33, but not much difference, either. And...we're talking about thirty additional pounds for Freeney, and twenty for Davis.

4. Hinton says: Pryor's a QB, and QB's shouldn't be running that fast.

My winning response: Are defensive ends like Freeney and tight ends like Davis supposed to be running that fast? No, but they did. And when they did, everyone conceded that they were freaks of nature (a designation Pryor has held for some time now).

5. Jackass Mark Hinton says: The University of Florida's football team currently has four players listed with sub-4.3 forty times, and that seems fishy.

My winning response: What does one thing have to do with another? Things seem fishy at Florida...okay. Got it. That's Florida. How does that have anything to do with an otherworldly athlete in Ohio running forty yards faster than I can say Anbesol?

6. Jackass Mark Hinton says: Usain Bolt's first 40 yards of his record-breaking sprints likely don't break 4.3 seconds.

My winning response: Well, when I was 9-years-old I was the world's biggest fan of Carl Lewis and the Santa Monica Track Club. Hell, I used to record their events on Saturday and Sunday afternoons (seriously!)......and anyway, it seemed pretty obvious to me -- twenty goddamn years ago, well before I touched my first female nipple -- that sprinters do not peak over the first forty yards. Nobody is saying Pryor is faster than Bolt-----but they might have comparable times over a forty-yard stretch.

7. Jackass Mark Hinton says: Vince Young ran a 4.58 40-yard-dash at Texas, and he weighed 228 lbs.

My winning response: Oh, I just love this one. So, let me get this straight: Since Pryor is most often compared to Young...and because Young was wonderfully excellent in college...and since they are roughly the same size...it's flat-out impossible for Pryor to be faster than him? Lovely.

Ever heard of evolution, moron?

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/17/09

College Football Name Game, Year Two

I love college football-----but not nearly as much as I love devouring recruiting lists.

Allow me to explain (as I really don't want you thinking I'm one of those guys)...

Every year I spend $8.95 + tax on Phil Steele's College Football Preview, which is easily the most self-important literature you'll ever get your hands on.

But that doesn't mean it's not great. Because it is. It's positively great.

It's great because he talks about gambling all the time (and gambling is great); it's great because he tells you how great he is (which is unintentionally hilarious); and it's great because he lists the top 500 incoming recruits every year (which gives me an easy topic once a year).

Boys and girls, I present to you...The College Football Name Game.

I'm an Irish Catholic kid from the west side of Cincinnati which explains why my parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins all have "regular" names. But I've also been watching sports and paying close attention to collegiate and professional athletics for 24 years-----so, by now, I'm mostly desensitized by some of the truly bizarre names that pop up on my television screen during sporting contests.

Mostly desensitized, but not all the way.

Every year I check Phil Steele's top 500 freshmen/JuCo's and I'm reminded that names are being invented every day, by folks we'll never meet. This makes me smile, and now I'm delivering that happiness to you.

Without further ado, here are the twelve most ridiculous names entering college football in 2009 (ranked from Plain Old Ridiculous to I Just Made A Toilet In My Pants):

12. Taysom Hill - QB, Stanford

(Note: I passed over a De'Antwan, a DeQuinta and an Eltoro for Taysom Hill and the next few names on my list. I know the name De'Antwan seems ridiculous (and it is!), but Taysom, to me, was unlike any name I'd ever seen, and thus, it found its way onto the back end of my list.)

11. Nyshier Oliver - DB, Tennessee

10. Malliciah Goodman - DL, Clemson

(Note: Either Malliciah rhymes with "Alicia," or it's a unique way to spell "Malakai." On second thought, it's probably pronounced in a way I never could have guessed.)

9. Rolandan Finch - RB, Boston College

(Note: The son of Rolanda and Brandon?)

8. Carneal Ainsworth - OL, LSU

7. Jawanza Starling - DB, USC

(Note: Kwanza!)

6. Nu'Keese Richardson - WR, Tennessee

(Note: That's now our second Tennessee recruit. This should be a sign of good things to come for Vols fans.)

T5. Rantavious Wooten - WR, Georgia

T5. Barkevious Mingo - LB, LSU

T5. Rokevious Watkins - DB, South Carolina

(Note: And you wonder why the SEC is so dominant...)

2. Al-Terek McBurse - RB, Purdue

(Note: At first glance you would think the name of Al-Terek is middle Eastern, but I did thirteen seconds of research on Mr. McBurse and it appears his name is simply made up and hyphenated for the sake of awesomeness.)

Which brings us to the best name entering college football in 2009, a name so difficult to pronounce that, um, I don't even know how to pronounce it...

1. Daytawion Lowe - DB, Oklahoma State

(Note: Look at it. Analyze it. Say it three times fast...Daytawion.)

This was fun.

Thank you, Phillip Steele.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/12/09

Intelligent Conversation Via Text Message

My high school buddy, Matt, just texted me the following: "We share the same birthday."

I already knew this. And he knew I knew this. This is the type of thing we discussed in Algebra class.

Anyway, the rest of the conversation went something like this...

Brad: And we share love for each other.

Matt: That is unbreakable.

Brad: I love you.

Matt: I want you.

Brad: Send me a horny pic.

Matt: What did you have in mind?

Brad: I was hoping for a picture of your tits and/or butthole.

Matt: Sure thing, big guy.

I turned 29 today, but I have long way to go before I'm a grown-up

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
My birthday

Oooh I Got Me Some Sprewells

Craig's sister-in-law Candace lives in his basement. She doesn't pay a dime for rent. When Craig and his wife leave their condo Candace often brings complete strangers into said basement.

In the past, Candace has dated gentlemen nicknamed "Streetz," "Hollywood," D-Rock," "Slim," "Six," and "Black."

(Craig recently told me in a telephone conversation that she's also "dated" three different guys named Marcus over the past twelve months)

She doesn't hide the fact that she's attracted to guys with nice rims.

Candace's love life is one of three topics discussed in our deceivingly titled four-minute podcast, "A Conversation About Nothing."

Enjoy.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
My birthday

movies in 1991

I'm just going to come right out and say it...

Anna Chlumsky shoulda been a giant fucking star...

And her love interest in My Girl...

A.) was once romanced by the King of Pop, and...

B.) got stung to death by bumblebees.

(Is bumblebee one word or two?)

Happy birthday to me.

It's late.

My pictures are better than your pictures.

-brad

Four Overrated Sports Players Who Play Sports

Adam Vinatieri

Some pundits (possibly Peter King) believe Vinatieri is worthy of Canton-----and I believe that anyone who believes such nonsense should have their media credentials revoked. Outside of one spectacular kick, Vinatieri's merely been pretty decent at his lucrative day job.

Among active kickers, Vinatieri ranks 14th in career field goal percentage. 14th! Again, he's been solid and reliable and blah, blah, blah...but this man is no Hall of Famer.

Adam Vinatieri is responsible for the greatest kick of all time -- 45 yards, in a semi-blizzard, forcing overtime of the Tuck Rule Game -- and nothing else overly impressive. Sure, he nailed game-winning kicks in the final seconds of both the Pats/Rams and Pats/Panthers Super Bowls, but those were under optimal conditions. Any kicker could've connected on those suckers; he was just lucky enough to be on great teams. Making those kicks didn't make him clutch, it just kept him from being labeled a choke artist.

Good kicker. Absurdly overrated.

(Note: The Vinatieri section just as easily could have been about Robert Horry.)

**********

Pete Mackanin

I'm somewhere around 100 percent sure there isn't a single person outside of Cincinnati who remembers the name of the Reds' 2007 interim manager. And hell, there might not be fifteen or twenty Reds fans who remember the guy. Either way, the guy is overrated. In related news, I hate his guts.

Pete Mackanin replaced Reds manager Jerry Narron in July, 2007. He controlled the ship for eighty games and guided the lowly Reds to a 41-39 record. This provided optimism for more than a couple mammals in my fair city.

It also drove me nuts. For those who can't remember what they ate for breakfast, much less the details of the 2007 Reds, I'll briefly fill you in: Josh Hamilton was the best player on the team (not to mention the best story in baseball) and his manager didn't seem to notice.

Mackanin routinely benched Hamilton (a lefty) whenever they faced left-handed starting pitchers-----and I'm not talking about Sandy Koufax. That is, unless you place Paul Maholm and Tom Gorzelanny on Koufax's level. Even worse, if Hamilton was given the start, he was often pulled late in the games when a left-handed relief pitcher came on to face him. Even worse than that (worser?), Hamilton was often pulled for Norris Hopper (aka "a crappier version of Ryan Freel with no power").

It was inexplicable on every level. And yet, if the Reds somehow pulled out a victory that night, fans would conveniently forget the inhumane treatment dealt in Hamilton's direction. All anybody wanted to discuss on talk radio the following day was how Pete Mackanin was the manager of the future (or whatever).

I'm not saying Pete Mackanin is regularly the topic of dinner conversations, but any time I've heard his name mentioned over the past two years, it's always in a positive light.

And that makes me want to blow up buildings.

**********

Alice in Chains

Everyone born between 1974 and 1982 seems to think their music was exceptional. Well, everyone not named me. I hate them. They suck. These are the types of things that make Alice in Chains overrated.

**********

Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps

Ahhh...nothing is more fun that aggravating unathletic-types.

Seemingly every year since 1997 one credible publication or another has voted either Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong or Michael Phelps (or all three of them, somehow) their Athlete of the Year. This makes me want to punch babies and/or shove blind people down the steps.

Tiger Woods isn't an athlete. Okay, he might be, but how would I know? All he does is hit a motionless ball and walk around for a few hours. Oh, I concede that he's the best motionless ball-hitter and walker arounder I've ever seen, but that alone doesn't make him an athlete; it just makes him rich. Could he properly orchestrate a 3-on-2 fastbreak? Could he turn a 6-4-3 double play? Could he cheat on his wife, get caught, not care, and rush for 181 yards the following day? Highly unlikely.

But there are thousands upon thousands of athletes from other sports who could've been Tiger's rival had they decided to play golf at an early age. On the flip side, I'm guessing Tiger -- even with maniacal lifelong focus to basketball, beginning at age four -- would never have been good enough to play beyond the high school level.

As for Lance Armstrong and Michael Phelps, well, I'm using the same argument. Armstrong has great endurance and is a really fast peddler. Does that alone make him an athlete? No. It just means he has great endurance and is a really fast peddler. And Phelps...ditto. Just replace "really fast peddler" with really good arm mover in water.

Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong and Michael Phelps might be the best participants golf, cycling and swimming have ever seen. But let's stop the praise right about there. Shower them with all the awards imaginable in their desired fields, just don't tell me tell me their individual achievements are on par with Tom Brady, LeBron James, Willy Taveras, et al.

**********

Keep the change, you filthy animals.

-Brad Spieser (Brad@TwinKilling.com)
8/5/09